Tag Archives: Blackberry

Car Washing Mysteries

20 Sep

Birds are the prettiest species on this planet, but behind every glittery thing, there is a drawback hidden somewhere. Until I was thirteen, I was never told to grab a bucket of water and go downstairs to wash the car. We always had a decent garage where we parked our car (and my bicycle and archived a thousand useless things), where it was safe from all the worldly disasters; one of the disasters being the birds.

PLEASE GOD! NO!

PLEASE GOD! NO!

When we moved out of that place, we unfortunately didn’t have a covered garage any longer. All the world’s dust and bird-poop victimized our car, and since that day, the poor thing has been heartbroken. Of course, we do have a parachute car cover but none of us can kill the laziness and actually put the cover to some use. It’s too bad that the nature has not been kind either.

The first time I was told to wash the car, I thought it would be as easy as taking a shower, but even after years of hard work, I’m still a failure at it. During this period, I learned to drive the car and to pass it through the narrowest of the streets and to overtake enormously overloaded trucks and to break stop lights, but I never learned to wash the god damned thing.

An enormously overloaded Pakistani truck.

An enormously overloaded Pakistani truck.

Anyway, I’ve mentioned below the procedure I follow in order to wash my car (and I fail 60% of the time). People tell me to get it washed from professional car washers but I would rather spend that money on food.

Ingredients:

  • Abundant supply of tomato ketchup.
  • A medium-sized bucket full of water.
  • A tiny bucket for convenience.
  • A few pieces of dry cloth.
  • A cellphone (preferrably a Blackberry to check messages from, time to time, in order to look cool in front of neighbours who, from their windows, are recording a video of you looking like a filthy Edward Cullen washing a car covered with what looks like bird-poop).
  • An annoying neighbour (to correct your car-washing mistakes).

Procedure:

  • Drink half gallon of tomato ketchup to warm yourself up for the task.
Jesus! Calm down, old guy! I was kidding.

Jesus! Calm down, old guy! I was kidding.

  • Tell your mom that you’re a hero and that you’ll come back alive.
  • Walk to your car along with all the prescribed ingredients (leave for the last one).
  • Stop, turn around, take one last look at your house, and start marching to your destination again.
  • Take a piece of dry cloth and get rid of all the dust that has covered your car.
  • Discard that piece of cloth. Take a new one and start with cleaning all the windows with water.
  • After you have cleaned all the windows, check your phone for any new messages.
  • Look back at the windows. They’re all filthy again because the bird poop has been liquified because of water. The annoying neighbour is now standing beside the car with a “Is that how you wash your car?” look.
Your car makes me wanna puke (and other awesome feelings).

Your car makes me wanna puke (and other awesome feelings).

  • Ignore the attention-seeker and the filthy car windows. Wash the rest of the car with that same cloth; it doesn’t matter.
  • Dial an imaginary call to your imaginary girlfriend, telling her that you love her more than you love Manchester United, and that there is some idiot staring at you. Hang up.
  • Discard the poor cloth. Take a new one and clean all the windows again. Success! However, if the air is dusty, then you’re unlucky and can do nothing about the windows at all (that’s what mostly happens to me).

Now that you’re done, go shower because you smell like a garbage bin. Not that I usually smell like a garbage bin but I surely look nasty.

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