It’s me, JJ. I hope this letter finds you well.
I am writing to you out of sheer boredom. After you guys left the graveyard (read: turned your backs on me), I naturally assumed that a cobra would appear out of nowhere and proceed to kill me (again), but I was all alone down there. I waited and waited long for things to get exciting, but nothing happened. I thought maybe they didn’t dig the grave deep enough, so I decided to take matters into my own hands. After a few months of digging, I saw a strange light. When I tried to touch it, I fell into some sort of a portal. Wheee!
Anyway, I later found myself in a warehouse with loads of women. Then an angel appeared and greeted me.
“Welcome to the Heaven, my friend! As promised, here are your 72 virgins.”
“Wow! So it was not a myth,” I replied ecstatically.
“Certainly not! Now, ummm… you must choose which one of these you’d like to take home with you,” said the angel in a nervous tone.
“I know. I’m sorry. That’s the way it has to be.”
I was kind of disappointed. No one ever told me about this. But at least I was getting SOMETHING. So I picked the most beautiful one out of all the women.
“Good choice! We call this one Marilyn,” said the angel.
“Marilyn, do you accept this man’s proposal?”
“Wait, does she have a say in this?” I asked, surprised.
“Of course! Marilyn?”
“I’m sorry. He doesn’t look like my type,” said Marilyn.
This was not quite what I had in mind. I started to question myself. But the good news was that I still had the rest of the 71 virgins to choose from. Or at least that’s what I thought.
“Hmmm. So that didn’t go in your favour. Unfortunately, you have no more choices left. You will now be escorted to your house. Enjoy your stay!”
I protested. But they said I couldn’t challenge the laws written by the Almighty, and that I must respect the woman’s choice. Turns out these people take this feminism thing very seriously. But my neighbour, who also got rejected by a virgin, says that we have another hope. There are a lot of women in this world. It is like they rule this place. Unassigned virgins call themselves Free Agents. The idea is that if any of them desires your company, you still have a shot at getting a virgin. But it is them who must send a proposal, we the Rejects are powerless.
It has been months since I arrived here and my friend, I must confess that this place is boring as hell. All I do is eat and sleep all day. We don’t even have the internet here. And women don’t want me. I feel so little, and oppressed.
I need friends. Please die soon.